How to Argue like an Ass

I enjoy an intellectual debate. I like hearing new ideas and getting different perspectives on the world.

But some people have a skill. They can take this to a new level. They crush spirits and eat souls along the way, barging through a decent conversation until everyone walks away feeling like they’ve had a punch to the gut.

Original Image from Google Meetings

If you want to learn the ways of these masters – these superior beings who are always right and can never lose an argument – see below for the key tricks you will need to learn. It may take your years to master but to be a true intellectual who has reached a transcendent state of being you must be willing to sacrifice your time and the desire to have people respect you.

Just kidding. Here’s how to make everyone think you’re an arse:

1.    Talk over me when I am trying to make a point

Wait. Hold on a second, I’m not finished speaking. I was in the middle of my argument and you’ve started shouting over the top of me.

Oh wait. I forgot. My point of view is not valid enough to be listened to or even allowed to continue when you have something to say (or even if you don’t). After all, what’s the point of trying to challenge my thinking through words and persuasive facts when you could just be so loud that no one can hear it so it can’t count.

Arse.

2.    Telling me that what I say is “ridiculous” or not to be “stupid”

I’m not calling you stupid. I’m not saying your argument is ridiculous. I’m expressing thoughts and facts to argue against what you presented as your understanding of whatever we’re talking about. I’m not belittling or patronising you by making you seem stupid because of what you say.

If you can’t argue against what I say and have to tear me down to get the upper hand, that’s bullying.

Arse

Original Image from Google Images

 3.    Telling me that it doesn’t matter what I say; you aren’t going to change your opinion

What is the point of even talking about it then? I’ve spent an hour pointing out flaws in your logic, counter arguing and presenting you with my side of the argument and that doesn’t matter?

If you can’t (read: won’t) take on board what you hear from people, actually think about it and God forbid allow it to alter your decision, you’re stuck! You’ll never learn anything more, you’ll grow as a person and you’ll stay exactly the same as you are now.

If I knew you were too pig-headed to take in what I was saying and all we were going to do was pontificate about our point of view, I could have sent you it in an email. 

STOP WASTING MY TIME.

Arse.

Original Image from Google Images

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4 thoughts on “How to Argue like an Ass

  1. Oh my gosh, we must know the same erudite masters. I know people who unknowingly apply all of these tactics. My personal favorite is the person who is so contrary that they follow up whatever you said with No, no, nope. And then proceed to basically agree with you. They’ll never admit that they agree, however, because their whole family is being held hostage a few states away and if they agree with anyone for any reason, it’s curtains.

    • Of course!! It’s a hostage situations! My life makes so much more sense!

      I really hate that as well. Tell me you disagree. Don’t say no. I didn’t ask you a question!

      Also, people never know they are being an ass. They think they are being ‘challenging’ and ‘intellectually stimulating’.

      • The worst is when some people who believe they are only being “challenging” also have the audacity to believe that people actually WANT for them to behave this way. Like their assholery is really a way of doing the rest of us a favor!

  2. Pingback: Wise Woman in Training

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